[ From what she met of Celia with Palamedes, she doesn't know that Celia knows answers as it is. And for all that they ask of her, a target will likely become clear on her back soon enough. The Augmented may not have her for very long. ]
She still deserves to be protected because there is likely no one else. Or if there are some, they are not in a position to be vocal.
[ One voice over that post seemed male in some way, but it could be anyone. For all they know, it could be Georges, but it sounds as if Celia knows Georges is missing. ]
Let's see about getting over there sometime. I've...been meaning to send them a message as Gojo and I did months ago. I don't know if they'll respond, though.
I can go with you. Can help with scouting out a place for the other mirror, too.
[He'll leave the 'finding someone in Kelesis to talk to' to her, though. That seems more her forte than meandering through caves and coves looking for a good hiding spot.]
Yeah. Probably be good to get a network of them, especially if we end up needing to go west rather than east. Was thinking of doing some exploring out that way, helping map it better.
Are you doing that with Momo? It sounds like he's taking over for Gojo's efforts. I told him I'd try to help depending on the location and timing but...
[ Well, she is still trying to work on the other projects, and can't spread herself too thin. ]
You don't want to bite off more than you can chew.
[He knows, Mel. He'd rather her focus on what she can handle for now. She's been through enough.]
I got in touch with him, yeah. Told him to just assign me someone to work with. Folks like you and him keep busy, so the least I can do is do what I'm good at, help take something off your plate.
[Better mapping and scouting than some of the other things he's good at.]
I want to give what I can to what I'm capable of. I've...never been a hunter or a tracker. While it'll be important for me to learn, I don't want to slow anyone down.
[ ...In reality, she shouldn't want to be either of those things, but that itch inside of her tells her it would be right for her to do so, and so it's no terrible thing to want to try it. ]
We also shouldn't have everyone invested in everything. It means if something happens, if more of our number are taken or disappear...we won't be left unable to complete what work we can.
[ Meaning that if she goes missing, someone has to be able to run her projects in her absence too. ]
I'm glad you're helping, truly. I trust you - and Momo.
[But he knows she'll argue with that, so he continues without a beat.]
You got a point, though. Better to have more hands working on projects than a single set, just in case that set up and vanishes one day without rhyme or reason. The trick is finding folks who can — and should — handle it. Some people are good at planning, organizing. Some are good at bringing people together, uniting them for a cause. Some of us are just the tools that get the job done.
[That's language that's started to seep back into his description of himself, in particular. It's not that he likes it - it just is how it is.]
[ The silence on Mel's side is longer than she intends it to be and perhaps it becomes uncomfortable, but the weight of guilt — old wounds and new — keeps her quiet for some time. And then, eventually, she murmurs: ]
To look on people and to see them as tools is something I once did frequently. Not that I didn't see them as people; I did see them that way. But from a distance, objectively, I can see someone drilled down to their strengths and their weaknesses, and how best to nudge them into places where they might best fit.
[ It's why Pom and others trust her to make difficult calls, she supposes. Because she can attempt to remain objective, no matter how much it might hurt her now as she walks among the pieces she maneuvers across the chess board. ]
But no one is 'just' a tool. We walk with dreams and memories and good pieces in all of the fractures of ourselves. You are not a tool to me, nor are you 'just' anything. And if you are just the tool that gets things done, then what does that say of someone who lets others get their hands dirty for them?
[ They're not a tool at all. They're barely a set of eyes. If anything is useless in the bunch, it's them. It's her. And she's understood that since she stepped foot here. ]
I wish you could see how I see you.
[ Maybe then he wouldn't see himself as a monster, though she has no room to fight him on that these days, not when she feels all wrong in her body and feels like something is trying to split her skin and bone open at the seams. ]
[There's silence on his end too, a moment where Pom realizes what he said and how he said it - and worse, how it makes Mel feel.]
Sorry.
[He'll be coming back to the rest, but... that needs to be said. It takes another few seconds before he manages to continue.]
It's just... I trust you to put me to good use, I guess. Not as a tool, but... knowing where I oughtta be and what I need to do when I can't figure it out myself.
It's all right, you needn't be sorry. I know what I've done and where my strengths are.
[ What is expected of her. People look to her to make the difficult choices and to make the decisions no one else will. And it's...deserved, she thinks, for her to take that burden. It lets others walk without guilt because Mel has made the choice for them. It goes hand-in-hand with understanding how people are, where they can work and be their best. She understands what Pom is saying.
She just doesn't want him to see himself as a weapon or a tool, when he is a person and not a monster. ]
I'm glad to be beside you and to support you in finding the places where you fit best. It...means a great deal to me that you would trust me.
[ But she won't ask him to do what she did last month. Not again. ]
I don't begrudge anyone's unwillingness to trust me. As I've said, I know what kind of person I am.
[ But that's... No, she can't leave it like that. She said she would be open with him and she has to. Mel closes her eyes. ]
What I did to you last month was inexcusable. Asking you not only to go to Patho-Gen to deliberately provoke their attention but then to ask you to put yourself in danger, to kill creatures that once were people like you and I... I'm sorry, Pom. I shouldn't have asked it of you.
[As much as he appreciates the apology — because yeah, the whole thing was more harrowing than he ever thought it'd be, to the point where it's kept him up at night — he knows better than to let Mel take all the blame for it, as much as she wants to. She's said the whole time that she'd bear the weight, but guilt is never so kind as to keep to one person.]
If someone else asked you to do it, would you have? Or did you choose to because I asked it of you, and you trusted me to steer you in the right direction?
[Another pause. He has to think about that one, but finally settles on an answer.]
They were suffering, same as a wounded creature in a cage being harvested for parts. They weren't being treated like people, or even like animals. Just things to be used.
I'd have done it. I had to. It was less cruel than leaving them there to keep suffering.
[But he'd have definitely hesitated if it was anyone else asking him.]
If we tried to remove them without fatal harm, it would have had more dire consequences for the three of us. Just seeing light made them frenzy. Taking them from the cave wasn't possible.
[ She has to tell herself that because if she thinks it were any more likely, if she believes there was a true chance of saving them, then she's become a murderer for no reason at all. ]
It's still something I'm sorry I had to ask you to do. Especially after you told me everything, after you told me more about you. It wasn't right of me to ask it of either of you.
[He saw how they reacted to the light - violently. In his mind, there was never a chance they were leaving that cave, even if they could be subdued. What kind of life would they have led? Could they have ever remembered who they once were?
And if they remembered, would they have wanted to? How much does he wish he could forget what he once was? All he went through, despite how it made him who he is now?]
As you said, 'you needn't be sorry.' I assume you asked us because you knew we'd do it - that we cared one way or another. That we saw what you saw, and wouldn't let it keep happening. Not everyone here can make that call, but... I think we did the right thing.
I asked because I trust the both of you. And because...if I was wrong, I trusted you both would stop me and tell me so.
[ Hubert is her first Imprint, who knows her fears and her history, who has been willing to see all of the ways in which she has wronged others and pushed her to be better. Pom trusts her, yes, but he also knows what the darkest side of people looks like; if she was veering into the wrong place, she hoped he would tell her.
But she does fear that he will excuse her darkness, too, because he has placed his faith in her. ]
Not everyone can make calls like that, like what we did. Jayce... Jayce was unhappy when he heard, and angry that I didn't reach out to him. But he has trusted me to make these decisions and I will continue to do so, because we do not need all of our number to carry the worst of what we may have to do.
[ And if she has it her way, Pom won't need to carry more than this. Hubert won't need to, either. ]
[Pom likes to think he would have stopped her too, but these days, he's not so sure. As strong as his convictions as a hunter can be at times, he's also all too aware of what lengths he'd go to for the people he's come to care for. Last month showed him that time and time again.]
He's got a lot on his plate, too. [Figuring out the mysteries behind the Katalyth, understanding the Augmenters, changing the locks in their house every so often because people keep breaking in...] All the science-types do, and not everyone needs to get their hands dirty the way we have... the way we might have to yet.
There are people here who are tenderhearted that I want to protect from what may come next. I know it's impossible to keep them shielded from everything that may happen, but Jayce and Viktor... Their dreams are fragile here. They've worked so hard. Jayce balances the world on his shoulders.
[ And so if the world breaks apart, he will only blame himself, and she cannot see him broken again. Viktor is an extension of this, his own person, but he is intrinsically tied to that dream for however long they may have him. ]
Many among us want to see the best outcome. I don't begrudge them that. It's their hope that will keep us going. But what this place is doing, the cruelty enacted upon them... They don't need to get their hands dirty either.
[ And while she doesn't think of Pom as tenderhearted in the slightest, she does want to protect his heart as well for as long as she can manage. ]
They can leave it to us, then. We'll do what we have to do to keep them going.
[It wouldn't be the first time for Pom, who once gave everything up for a single person. While he's never considered himself fragile, even he recognizes that he hides so much of his fears behind his persona - who he has to be, what he wants people to see rather than the fragmented man beneath. Doing cruel things changes a person: he's sure Mel knows, even if he doesn't want that for her.]
Just... make sure you take care of yourself, okay? With what might be coming, with what we might have to face down the road as a consequence. There are folks here who care about you.
[ She shouldn't have said anything. Pom follows up with 'we' and she realizes that telling him has just secured his cooperation and his sacrifice even if that's not what she wanted for him. He even turns the worry around on her. Every instinct tells her to try to push him away or...or at least insist he shouldn't be worried and shouldn't care, and that it would be easier for him down the road.
But they promised, didn't they? To learn to be friends with one another, to watch one another's backs. And she's already tried pushing Jayce away, with poor enough results; can she afford to do that to Pom as well?
...Can she manage to put him at arms' length at this point without tearing her heart in two? ]
I know. I know you do.
[ It's said gently, similarly quiet, like a secret. ]
I care for you too. I know you wish to protect me, as I want to do the same for you. It's not the Imprint. [ She has to believe it's not. ] You have to take care of yourself as well. You think people don't care but I know they do.
Hold me accountable, and I'll do the same for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She still deserves to be protected because there is likely no one else. Or if there are some, they are not in a position to be vocal.
[ One voice over that post seemed male in some way, but it could be anyone. For all they know, it could be Georges, but it sounds as if Celia knows Georges is missing. ]
Let's see about getting over there sometime. I've...been meaning to send them a message as Gojo and I did months ago. I don't know if they'll respond, though.
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[He'll leave the 'finding someone in Kelesis to talk to' to her, though. That seems more her forte than meandering through caves and coves looking for a good hiding spot.]
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[ And she isn't altogether certain she wants one on the Kelesis end. ]
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[ Well, she is still trying to work on the other projects, and can't spread herself too thin. ]
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[He knows, Mel. He'd rather her focus on what she can handle for now. She's been through enough.]
I got in touch with him, yeah. Told him to just assign me someone to work with. Folks like you and him keep busy, so the least I can do is do what I'm good at, help take something off your plate.
[Better mapping and scouting than some of the other things he's good at.]
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[ ...In reality, she shouldn't want to be either of those things, but that itch inside of her tells her it would be right for her to do so, and so it's no terrible thing to want to try it. ]
We also shouldn't have everyone invested in everything. It means if something happens, if more of our number are taken or disappear...we won't be left unable to complete what work we can.
[ Meaning that if she goes missing, someone has to be able to run her projects in her absence too. ]
I'm glad you're helping, truly. I trust you - and Momo.
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[But he knows she'll argue with that, so he continues without a beat.]
You got a point, though. Better to have more hands working on projects than a single set, just in case that set up and vanishes one day without rhyme or reason. The trick is finding folks who can — and should — handle it. Some people are good at planning, organizing. Some are good at bringing people together, uniting them for a cause. Some of us are just the tools that get the job done.
[That's language that's started to seep back into his description of himself, in particular. It's not that he likes it - it just is how it is.]
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To look on people and to see them as tools is something I once did frequently. Not that I didn't see them as people; I did see them that way. But from a distance, objectively, I can see someone drilled down to their strengths and their weaknesses, and how best to nudge them into places where they might best fit.
[ It's why Pom and others trust her to make difficult calls, she supposes. Because she can attempt to remain objective, no matter how much it might hurt her now as she walks among the pieces she maneuvers across the chess board. ]
But no one is 'just' a tool. We walk with dreams and memories and good pieces in all of the fractures of ourselves. You are not a tool to me, nor are you 'just' anything. And if you are just the tool that gets things done, then what does that say of someone who lets others get their hands dirty for them?
[ They're not a tool at all. They're barely a set of eyes. If anything is useless in the bunch, it's them. It's her. And she's understood that since she stepped foot here. ]
I wish you could see how I see you.
[ Maybe then he wouldn't see himself as a monster, though she has no room to fight him on that these days, not when she feels all wrong in her body and feels like something is trying to split her skin and bone open at the seams. ]
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Sorry.
[He'll be coming back to the rest, but... that needs to be said. It takes another few seconds before he manages to continue.]
It's just... I trust you to put me to good use, I guess. Not as a tool, but... knowing where I oughtta be and what I need to do when I can't figure it out myself.
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[ What is expected of her. People look to her to make the difficult choices and to make the decisions no one else will. And it's...deserved, she thinks, for her to take that burden. It lets others walk without guilt because Mel has made the choice for them. It goes hand-in-hand with understanding how people are, where they can work and be their best. She understands what Pom is saying.
She just doesn't want him to see himself as a weapon or a tool, when he is a person and not a monster. ]
I'm glad to be beside you and to support you in finding the places where you fit best. It...means a great deal to me that you would trust me.
[ But she won't ask him to do what she did last month. Not again. ]
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You say that like you think I wouldn't.
[He's keeping his tone light, but it's a genuine concern.]
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[ But that's... No, she can't leave it like that. She said she would be open with him and she has to. Mel closes her eyes. ]
What I did to you last month was inexcusable. Asking you not only to go to Patho-Gen to deliberately provoke their attention but then to ask you to put yourself in danger, to kill creatures that once were people like you and I... I'm sorry, Pom. I shouldn't have asked it of you.
[ Or Hubert, frankly. ]
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You didn't make me do it, Mel.
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[ That's the distinguishment. ]
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They were suffering, same as a wounded creature in a cage being harvested for parts. They weren't being treated like people, or even like animals. Just things to be used.
I'd have done it. I had to. It was less cruel than leaving them there to keep suffering.
[But he'd have definitely hesitated if it was anyone else asking him.]
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[ She has to tell herself that because if she thinks it were any more likely, if she believes there was a true chance of saving them, then she's become a murderer for no reason at all. ]
It's still something I'm sorry I had to ask you to do. Especially after you told me everything, after you told me more about you. It wasn't right of me to ask it of either of you.
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And if they remembered, would they have wanted to? How much does he wish he could forget what he once was? All he went through, despite how it made him who he is now?]
As you said, 'you needn't be sorry.' I assume you asked us because you knew we'd do it - that we cared one way or another. That we saw what you saw, and wouldn't let it keep happening. Not everyone here can make that call, but... I think we did the right thing.
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[ Hubert is her first Imprint, who knows her fears and her history, who has been willing to see all of the ways in which she has wronged others and pushed her to be better. Pom trusts her, yes, but he also knows what the darkest side of people looks like; if she was veering into the wrong place, she hoped he would tell her.
But she does fear that he will excuse her darkness, too, because he has placed his faith in her. ]
Not everyone can make calls like that, like what we did. Jayce... Jayce was unhappy when he heard, and angry that I didn't reach out to him. But he has trusted me to make these decisions and I will continue to do so, because we do not need all of our number to carry the worst of what we may have to do.
[ And if she has it her way, Pom won't need to carry more than this. Hubert won't need to, either. ]
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He's got a lot on his plate, too. [Figuring out the mysteries behind the Katalyth, understanding the Augmenters, changing the locks in their house every so often because people keep breaking in...] All the science-types do, and not everyone needs to get their hands dirty the way we have... the way we might have to yet.
I lost this somehow???
[ And so if the world breaks apart, he will only blame himself, and she cannot see him broken again. Viktor is an extension of this, his own person, but he is intrinsically tied to that dream for however long they may have him. ]
Many among us want to see the best outcome. I don't begrudge them that. It's their hope that will keep us going. But what this place is doing, the cruelty enacted upon them... They don't need to get their hands dirty either.
[ And while she doesn't think of Pom as tenderhearted in the slightest, she does want to protect his heart as well for as long as she can manage. ]
No worries at all! Notifs have been a m e s s
[It wouldn't be the first time for Pom, who once gave everything up for a single person. While he's never considered himself fragile, even he recognizes that he hides so much of his fears behind his persona - who he has to be, what he wants people to see rather than the fragmented man beneath. Doing cruel things changes a person: he's sure Mel knows, even if he doesn't want that for her.]
Just... make sure you take care of yourself, okay? With what might be coming, with what we might have to face down the road as a consequence. There are folks here who care about you.
[A beat, and then quieter:]
I care about you.
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But they promised, didn't they? To learn to be friends with one another, to watch one another's backs. And she's already tried pushing Jayce away, with poor enough results; can she afford to do that to Pom as well?
...Can she manage to put him at arms' length at this point without tearing her heart in two? ]
I know. I know you do.
[ It's said gently, similarly quiet, like a secret. ]
I care for you too. I know you wish to protect me, as I want to do the same for you. It's not the Imprint. [ She has to believe it's not. ] You have to take care of yourself as well. You think people don't care but I know they do.
Hold me accountable, and I'll do the same for you.