[ There's a few minutes' pause. Maybe she's sleeping...? But, no, the tell-tale typing dots appear soon enough. She stares at the screen in the dark, typing and retyping. ]
I can come back. I just don't want to keep waking you.
[ And she doesn't want to hurt him, if she ends up in Full Shift again. ]
[ She does fly there - at least to the barrier. And then it's walking, but she's deliberately moving as quickly as she can manage to get back to her room. Her heart hangs heavy as she goes up the stairs and to her door, which is where she finally pauses to catch her breath. To push the worry away temporarily.
And to tap on the door twice, which is his only warning that she's coming in.
She peers in just before she steps inside, looking for whether he's on the bed or at the little desk. But when she does see him-- It's like an immediate tug from a fishing line. She crosses the distance to him, uncaring if it seems desperate, and is already reaching for his arm. ]
[ The sound of the door opening has rising from the bed, the distance so short that he's not even fully straightened when she reaches him. Immediately, he pulls her into his arms. The aches and pains across his transforming joints quickly fade, though he hardly notices - she's warm and solid and real, a fixed point he's been lacking all this time spent apart since she's been staying at the cabin.
Early on he stopped caring how much of this was their imprinting, he knows that enough of this is true.
(he needs her now)
He bows his head against hers, breathing her in. That's why he's been staying her some nights and not his own room. ]
You're really getting fast... [ her flying. There's some appreciative laughter in his voice as he says this, nuzzling her gently. ]
[ She's glad he rises up to meet her, that his arms open for her. That he feels mostly the same when she presses tightly into his chest, her arms wrapping around him with no hesitation at all. The moment she touches him, she just wants to be closer.
The imprint used to matter. It still does matter to her, that worry that these are feelings foisted on him. But she's stopped doubting how much she cares for Jayce and has chosen to accept all of this, eyes wide open, come what may.
There's a breathless kind of laugh there, at how his nuzzling tickles her. ]
Getting there. I wanted to come back as fast as I could--
[ To him. Even before tonight, she wanted that. She presses her face into the juncture of his neck and shoulder, nearly rubbing her face there, like she can't get close enough. Pressed to him, all the good reasons she had to keep away fly right out the window. Knowing he'd been alone, had been in her room waiting, tugs painfully at her heart. ]
I'm sorry, Jayce. I wasn't trying to just...leave you alone.
[ He lets out a breath, content with just holding each other like this - holding on to each other. ]
I know - I tried to wait. [ He laughs weakly again, burying his face in her hair. ] I wanted to give you space.
[ He knows it should be okay if she needed that space. If the cabin wasn't already so crowded he might have spent a night or two there by himself after he lost control of his own Shift. There's no ignoring what's happening to them.
The longer she was away, and every night he went to bed alone, the worse it felt.
All Jayce wants is to be close to the people he loves. ]
[ It's said like 'thank you', like gratitude, but it's hard to feel anything else when she feels like she's drowning in desperation and guilt in equal measure. Her hands briefly span his back, like a kind of reclaiming - to take back the places where the both of them are hurting and try to smooth them over again. But she gently squeezes him in her arms too, and it's reassurance: that they're both okay, that she's here, that she won't go again.
Mel's lips briefly brush the side of his head as her hands work her way back up, to rub over his shoulders, to frame the back of his neck. With a gentle nudge (or a bunt?) of her head, she tries to catch his eye. ]
Sit with me.
[ She wants to hold him better, as he held her last time. ]
[ He makes a small, contented sound as she touches him like that, a faint blue glow softly pulsing beneath the fabric of his shirt, matching her heartbeat. Her lips brush against him and he tilts his head slightly, wanting and expecting to kiss her - and getting a light nudge into his cheek instead.
Another puff of air like a laugh, nodding when she catches his gaze. It's when his hands glide down her arms right before he goes to sit, though, that his attention shifts to the bandages wrapped around them, a flicker of concern across his expression. ]
We could change these first. [ His chin still dipped, his brow furrowed. She'd started bandaging her arms before she left, so it's not entirely a surprise to find them in this state. Still... ]
[ Mel's smile meets his for the moment she catches it, about to follow him to sit, her knee pressing onto the end of the bed. It's here that there's some hesitation. His hands feel muffled over her arms, deliberately kept at bay by the bandages wrapped there. In the low light, it's hard to see the flecks of blood or the gold, but they'll be difficult to hide from him soon enough.
Her hand finds his shoulder and squeezes. She isn't going to refuse him or try to do them herself this time. Instead, a warning: ]
They're not going to look good.
[ Even as she speaks, she's reaching for a bandage roll in the drawer at her bedside table - and keeping contact with Jayce all the while, like it might kill her to break that line. She finds her place beside him on the bed and tugs her shirt off for him, if only to spare the fabric any further mess. He'll find the skin beneath the bandages cracked in various places, like shattered porcelain. And beneath the skin are scales, some dark and inky and others more grey, with just tiny flecks of what initially appear to be in-grown hairs.
But on closer inspection, they're not hairs at all. They're the stubs of feathers. ]
[ He turns his head and kisses her knuckles when she sets a hand on his shoulder, trying to reassure, before they shift to get on the bed side by side, and he notices the way she doesn't let go of him once throughout.
Jayce leans over and kisses her once before they start - he's been wanting to since she got back, but he doesn't let himself linger too long. ]
Mel, you can see through me - [ he laughs lightly, a little strained. There are those places where crystal and flesh meet that turn his body into a cross section, the inside of his arm visible. The only thing he's worried about as the bandages are gently unwrapped is the pain these feathers are causing as they burst from her skin, and the cracks where he can see scales peeking through.
He holds one hand in his much larger, crystal one, studying the corruption there. ]
Have you been putting anything on this? Salve?
[ Something with the bandages to help - he did this for Johann when his claws where tearing through his fingers. ]
[ Jayce's heart is so large, he tries to fit in so many people he cares for. Her, Viktor, the people at the cabin. She's absolutely certain there are others. She knows the way he wants to help, how he wants to take care of others, to make life easier for them. Sometimes, seeing that light in his chest, she worries one day it'll go out...or his heart will simply stop beating and become stone.
She leans into the brief kiss, her hand touching that spot on his chest almost instinctively as she considers it all, and leans back only to let him look. Her eyes wander his own changes, mentally berating herself for staying away, but what's done is done.
Her thumb brushes over his arm absently. ]
No, I'd given up on that. It felt...odd to put something in there. But it'd likely help to keep it from drying up. I did go to the store and get some pain killers.
[ They weren't originally for her, but they're in the bedside drawer as well, unopened. The amount of blood isn't terrible in the bandages, thankfully, but there's gold ichor in there as well. It's faint but it's not so dissimilar to the golden cracks in Jayce's own body. ]
[ Jayce has never worked with a team of people this large before. He never cohabitated with anyone like this before either, unless he can count the seven plus years sharing work spaces and eventually their own lab with Viktor. Besides that his family is small, just him and his mother, and then Cait trailing him along after the Kirammans became his patron.
Suffice it to say, his social circle has expanded quite a bit since arriving here. ]
It's not like that - [ he starts to protest, partially interrupted by another quick kiss. I want to care for the people I care about...
His brow furrows and he follows her gaze to the drawer before returning to the study of her hands, noticing now the gold liquid. Normally something in that color range coming out of wounds would be alarming, but this is more metallic than any fluid should be... ]
We can pick up a water-based on tomorrow.
[ It should help a little with dryness, even if this all is unnatural. He reaches for the gauze and bandages, setting her hand in his lap to start wrapping. Another flick of his gaze to the drawer and the unopened bottle. ]
[ It's not like that. But it is, in a way. This, all of this, is new to her too: the cohabitation, the alliances, the personalities. The way they're all circling each other. She's always kept people at arms' length, everyone, until suddenly he had carved a hole into her life and she doesn't know how not to have him there in that space.
But that doesn't mean she wants to add to the burden he carries, either.
Mel flexes her fingers, the gold of her tattoos still clear and present. The gold in the cracks are almost reflections of the same, as if someone had carved the color straight through to her muscles, to her bones. She only stills herself so he can work, though her free hand is running up and down his arm, over the places where stone becomes flesh and back again. ]
No. I'd bought them for someone else. [ Who stubbornly didn't want to use them. ] So they're here just in case.
[ Her thumb brushes carefully over the crystal etches. ]
[ He's a little relieved it's not so bad that she's had to use them yet, though he gives her a curious look when she mentions it's for someone else. He'll quietly wonder who it is, not certain he really wants to pry - whoever it is, he hopes they've found a way to manage too. ]
There's not a lot of pain. [ he says distractedly as he sets to work, carefully starting to wrap around her wrist, his gaze fixed there.
Maybe he could try to leave the question there, but he's aware enough to know that if he wants her to be open about these things, he needs to be as well. ]
I have less feeling there... [ pointed out as her free hand strokes across his crystallized flesh. Quietly: ] ... but it comes back more, when you're doing that.
[ Touching him. He's trying not to get distracted, just close his eyes and enjoy the sensation as it returns. Instead, he continues to manipulate her arm as he winds the bandage, placing gauze where he finds new places that the skin has starting cracking and bleeding. ]
When did this start? [ He touches next to those golden cracks. ]
[ Her gaze briefly returns to his face, then to the crystal she's been touching. The frown that works its way onto her lips is one she'd try to hide under most other circumstances. But she wants to try with him, wants to be honest. She wants to show him that she trusts him and is worthy of his trust in turn, and she can't do that if she keeps hiding how she feels beyond walls and walls of gold.
Consciously, she runs her hand over his forearm, careful not to interfere with his work. If there's a way to bring anything back through touch alone... ]
So it's been even harder, when we haven't been together like this.
[ For both of them. Mel doesn't linger on it - in part to move away from the guilt, in part to focus on Jayce, both his changes and his questions - and she moves her arm to let him work. There's a barely repressed shiver there, not of pain but sensitivity. ]
A few weeks ago. It was minor to begin with, like... [ Ugh, it's gonna be gross. ] Like skin flaking. And then the cracking started early last week. The gold... I didn't notice it until a few days ago.
[ He quickly shoots her an apologetic look - not wanting to keep making her feel guilty for taking time alone, and trying to say so by leaning over to press his lips at the space between her shoulder and neck for a long moment before continuing.
His hand pulls back from the golden cracks on her skin, placing more gauze down. ]
This isn't too tight? [ Then, frowning again: ] It's almost like it's trying to integrate your tattoos in some way...
[ It's becoming increasingly apparent that some Natural Souls and the corruption are influenced in some way by aspects of their lives, their experiences - with Viktor's transformation almost mirroring what the hexcore did to his body, Jayce's body lighting up like a hexgem, and now what's happening to Mel. ]
[ When their eyes briefly meet, Mel just shakes her head, and she reaches out with an arm to wrap loosely around his shoulders. He has nothing to feel sorry for. And languishing on that point seems...moot now. Her forehead briefly finds his chest before she lets him go, but her knees are touching him now, her hand returns to his arm; these small points of contact that keep her close while he's working.
And to his question, he gets another shake of the head. ]
They're fine, don't worry. [ It helps to stave off the odd feeling of coming apart. ] I think you're right, though, about the integration.
[ She has no other points of comparison beyond him and Viktor, because she knows them both just well enough to make the connections across their changes. While the three of them could be the exception rather than the rule, she can't believe that. ]
I want to believe it means the soul is trying to be a part of us without subsuming us, but I don't know what to trust or believe anymore. It all feels...tangled.
[ It doesn't take all that long for him to finish wrapping them up to her elbow, bringing the back of her knuckles to his lips again, closing his eyes before he starts on the other arm. ]
I know. It feels the same to me...
[ Tangled. It's unsettling to think of the Natural Soul as something else... alive, within them. Trapped, changing them. ]
... I keep thinking - there has to somehow be a way to stop the corruption without removing the Augmenter. Halt the side effects. Reverse them. I can't not believe that. But then -
[ He gets scared that this is another problem he can't solve. That for all that he's been able to make the impossible happen, there's also the lingering doubt that's new to him. He's supposed to be in his element in the lab - with Viktor, with Brickston and Palamedes and Gale helping - but how long do they have?
He wants to apologize again - for not having the answers, for having this doubt in the first place. ]
[ This conversation feels similar to one she's had before with Hubert, when she'd said that there was no other acceptable outcome other than to find a way back home. But that was...the long-term plan, and one she can't completely reconcile with what is happening to them. To the changes that occur whether she spreads her wings or not. It's creeping in a little at a time, the transformation fighting her for every inch of her skin.
(In her darker moments, she worries when her mind will be taken from her. Or when her soul might be devoured.)
But she hears something in Jayce's tone through it all, that edge at the end. She can only imagine what he was going to say, but she thinks she knows him well enough to guess at some of it. She reaches up with her newly-bandaged arm to touch his face. Her thumb brushes over the curve of his cheekbone. ]
This is not your burden to carry alone. You know that, right?
[ That he does not need to shoulder the weight of the Augmented, even the world and its troubles, on his own. No one has the answers. They all have reason to doubt. This isn't a problem like the hexgates, where if they'd failed, there were still other measures to take. This involves so much more. What if a solution isn't found, or is found too late?
She'd seen his reaction on the bridge. The expression on his face among the bodies of the councilors, of Viktor. Viktor's ongoing illness. How much more can he take on before the foundation cracks? Mel's fingers - on the hand he's working on - curl awkwardly to touch his wrist. ]
We will weather this, too. All of us. But this need not be your sole responsibility to bear.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I can come back. I just don't want to keep waking you.
[ And she doesn't want to hurt him, if she ends up in Full Shift again. ]
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[ He's not afraid of her, either. ]
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I don't know that anyone is, at this point. Misery and all of that.
[ It's not a refusal, though. ]
Are you having nightmares too, still?
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Some nights. More of the same.
[ Staring up at the sky, unable to move as people with hammers approach - ]
What about yours?
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[ Most nights, when she lets herself sleep. But that's taking its toll now, too. And she can't keep doing this, night after night. ]
You're in your room tonight?
[ Not that she'd expect him to be in hers, but so she knows where she's headed as she goes back to him. ]
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I'm in yours.
[ They usually trade off rooms, but - ]
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There's a tug in her chest, painful. She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. ]
I'll be right there. I promise.
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[ He'll putter around before making two herbal teas and bringing them back to the room. ]
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And to tap on the door twice, which is his only warning that she's coming in.
She peers in just before she steps inside, looking for whether he's on the bed or at the little desk. But when she does see him-- It's like an immediate tug from a fishing line. She crosses the distance to him, uncaring if it seems desperate, and is already reaching for his arm. ]
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Early on he stopped caring how much of this was their imprinting, he knows that enough of this is true.
(he needs her now)
He bows his head against hers, breathing her in. That's why he's been staying her some nights and not his own room. ]
You're really getting fast... [ her flying. There's some appreciative laughter in his voice as he says this, nuzzling her gently. ]
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The imprint used to matter. It still does matter to her, that worry that these are feelings foisted on him. But she's stopped doubting how much she cares for Jayce and has chosen to accept all of this, eyes wide open, come what may.
There's a breathless kind of laugh there, at how his nuzzling tickles her. ]
Getting there. I wanted to come back as fast as I could--
[ To him. Even before tonight, she wanted that. She presses her face into the juncture of his neck and shoulder, nearly rubbing her face there, like she can't get close enough. Pressed to him, all the good reasons she had to keep away fly right out the window. Knowing he'd been alone, had been in her room waiting, tugs painfully at her heart. ]
I'm sorry, Jayce. I wasn't trying to just...leave you alone.
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I know - I tried to wait. [ He laughs weakly again, burying his face in her hair. ] I wanted to give you space.
[ He knows it should be okay if she needed that space. If the cabin wasn't already so crowded he might have spent a night or two there by himself after he lost control of his own Shift. There's no ignoring what's happening to them.
The longer she was away, and every night he went to bed alone, the worse it felt.
All Jayce wants is to be close to the people he loves. ]
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[ It's said like 'thank you', like gratitude, but it's hard to feel anything else when she feels like she's drowning in desperation and guilt in equal measure. Her hands briefly span his back, like a kind of reclaiming - to take back the places where the both of them are hurting and try to smooth them over again. But she gently squeezes him in her arms too, and it's reassurance: that they're both okay, that she's here, that she won't go again.
Mel's lips briefly brush the side of his head as her hands work her way back up, to rub over his shoulders, to frame the back of his neck. With a gentle nudge (or a bunt?) of her head, she tries to catch his eye. ]
Sit with me.
[ She wants to hold him better, as he held her last time. ]
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Another puff of air like a laugh, nodding when she catches his gaze. It's when his hands glide down her arms right before he goes to sit, though, that his attention shifts to the bandages wrapped around them, a flicker of concern across his expression. ]
We could change these first. [ His chin still dipped, his brow furrowed. She'd started bandaging her arms before she left, so it's not entirely a surprise to find them in this state. Still... ]
haha... cw: body horror
Her hand finds his shoulder and squeezes. She isn't going to refuse him or try to do them herself this time. Instead, a warning: ]
They're not going to look good.
[ Even as she speaks, she's reaching for a bandage roll in the drawer at her bedside table - and keeping contact with Jayce all the while, like it might kill her to break that line. She finds her place beside him on the bed and tugs her shirt off for him, if only to spare the fabric any further mess. He'll find the skin beneath the bandages cracked in various places, like shattered porcelain. And beneath the skin are scales, some dark and inky and others more grey, with just tiny flecks of what initially appear to be in-grown hairs.
But on closer inspection, they're not hairs at all. They're the stubs of feathers. ]
8')
Jayce leans over and kisses her once before they start - he's been wanting to since she got back, but he doesn't let himself linger too long. ]
Mel, you can see through me - [ he laughs lightly, a little strained. There are those places where crystal and flesh meet that turn his body into a cross section, the inside of his arm visible. The only thing he's worried about as the bandages are gently unwrapped is the pain these feathers are causing as they burst from her skin, and the cracks where he can see scales peeking through.
He holds one hand in his much larger, crystal one, studying the corruption there. ]
Have you been putting anything on this? Salve?
[ Something with the bandages to help - he did this for Johann when his claws where tearing through his fingers. ]
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[ Jayce's heart is so large, he tries to fit in so many people he cares for. Her, Viktor, the people at the cabin. She's absolutely certain there are others. She knows the way he wants to help, how he wants to take care of others, to make life easier for them. Sometimes, seeing that light in his chest, she worries one day it'll go out...or his heart will simply stop beating and become stone.
She leans into the brief kiss, her hand touching that spot on his chest almost instinctively as she considers it all, and leans back only to let him look. Her eyes wander his own changes, mentally berating herself for staying away, but what's done is done.
Her thumb brushes over his arm absently. ]
No, I'd given up on that. It felt...odd to put something in there. But it'd likely help to keep it from drying up. I did go to the store and get some pain killers.
[ They weren't originally for her, but they're in the bedside drawer as well, unopened. The amount of blood isn't terrible in the bandages, thankfully, but there's gold ichor in there as well. It's faint but it's not so dissimilar to the golden cracks in Jayce's own body. ]
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Suffice it to say, his social circle has expanded quite a bit since arriving here. ]
It's not like that - [ he starts to protest, partially interrupted by another quick kiss. I want to care for the people I care about...
His brow furrows and he follows her gaze to the drawer before returning to the study of her hands, noticing now the gold liquid. Normally something in that color range coming out of wounds would be alarming, but this is more metallic than any fluid should be... ]
We can pick up a water-based on tomorrow.
[ It should help a little with dryness, even if this all is unnatural. He reaches for the gauze and bandages, setting her hand in his lap to start wrapping. Another flick of his gaze to the drawer and the unopened bottle. ]
Have you needed to use them?
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But that doesn't mean she wants to add to the burden he carries, either.
Mel flexes her fingers, the gold of her tattoos still clear and present. The gold in the cracks are almost reflections of the same, as if someone had carved the color straight through to her muscles, to her bones. She only stills herself so he can work, though her free hand is running up and down his arm, over the places where stone becomes flesh and back again. ]
No. I'd bought them for someone else. [ Who stubbornly didn't want to use them. ] So they're here just in case.
[ Her thumb brushes carefully over the crystal etches. ]
...How much is it hurting?
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There's not a lot of pain. [ he says distractedly as he sets to work, carefully starting to wrap around her wrist, his gaze fixed there.
Maybe he could try to leave the question there, but he's aware enough to know that if he wants her to be open about these things, he needs to be as well. ]
I have less feeling there... [ pointed out as her free hand strokes across his crystallized flesh. Quietly: ] ... but it comes back more, when you're doing that.
[ Touching him. He's trying not to get distracted, just close his eyes and enjoy the sensation as it returns. Instead, he continues to manipulate her arm as he winds the bandage, placing gauze where he finds new places that the skin has starting cracking and bleeding. ]
When did this start? [ He touches next to those golden cracks. ]
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Consciously, she runs her hand over his forearm, careful not to interfere with his work. If there's a way to bring anything back through touch alone... ]
So it's been even harder, when we haven't been together like this.
[ For both of them. Mel doesn't linger on it - in part to move away from the guilt, in part to focus on Jayce, both his changes and his questions - and she moves her arm to let him work. There's a barely repressed shiver there, not of pain but sensitivity. ]
A few weeks ago. It was minor to begin with, like... [ Ugh, it's gonna be gross. ] Like skin flaking. And then the cracking started early last week. The gold... I didn't notice it until a few days ago.
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His hand pulls back from the golden cracks on her skin, placing more gauze down. ]
This isn't too tight? [ Then, frowning again: ] It's almost like it's trying to integrate your tattoos in some way...
[ It's becoming increasingly apparent that some Natural Souls and the corruption are influenced in some way by aspects of their lives, their experiences - with Viktor's transformation almost mirroring what the hexcore did to his body, Jayce's body lighting up like a hexgem, and now what's happening to Mel. ]
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And to his question, he gets another shake of the head. ]
They're fine, don't worry. [ It helps to stave off the odd feeling of coming apart. ] I think you're right, though, about the integration.
[ She has no other points of comparison beyond him and Viktor, because she knows them both just well enough to make the connections across their changes. While the three of them could be the exception rather than the rule, she can't believe that. ]
I want to believe it means the soul is trying to be a part of us without subsuming us, but I don't know what to trust or believe anymore. It all feels...tangled.
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I know. It feels the same to me...
[ Tangled. It's unsettling to think of the Natural Soul as something else... alive, within them. Trapped, changing them. ]
... I keep thinking - there has to somehow be a way to stop the corruption without removing the Augmenter. Halt the side effects. Reverse them. I can't not believe that. But then -
[ He gets scared that this is another problem he can't solve. That for all that he's been able to make the impossible happen, there's also the lingering doubt that's new to him. He's supposed to be in his element in the lab - with Viktor, with Brickston and Palamedes and Gale helping - but how long do they have?
He wants to apologize again - for not having the answers, for having this doubt in the first place. ]
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(In her darker moments, she worries when her mind will be taken from her. Or when her soul might be devoured.)
But she hears something in Jayce's tone through it all, that edge at the end. She can only imagine what he was going to say, but she thinks she knows him well enough to guess at some of it. She reaches up with her newly-bandaged arm to touch his face. Her thumb brushes over the curve of his cheekbone. ]
This is not your burden to carry alone. You know that, right?
[ That he does not need to shoulder the weight of the Augmented, even the world and its troubles, on his own. No one has the answers. They all have reason to doubt. This isn't a problem like the hexgates, where if they'd failed, there were still other measures to take. This involves so much more. What if a solution isn't found, or is found too late?
She'd seen his reaction on the bridge. The expression on his face among the bodies of the councilors, of Viktor. Viktor's ongoing illness. How much more can he take on before the foundation cracks? Mel's fingers - on the hand he's working on - curl awkwardly to touch his wrist. ]
We will weather this, too. All of us. But this need not be your sole responsibility to bear.
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you don't know how much I wanted to make an Atlas reference to Jayce in these tags. alas.
heheh
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